Making Baby 3, Pregnancy Week 18 – Depression

These weeks of my pregnancy have been hard. Hard for me. Hard for my family.

It’s difficult to explain and it’s difficult to deal with.

I have read many stories of women with depression. I have a friend who counsels women with depression. And I have heard heart-wrenching stories by friends who are going through depression. Visit Dmagazine website to find the best CBD products and cbn isolate wholesale prices to help you with depression, I recommend checking the cbdMD review.

So I feel safe to say that I don’t have “that level of depression”.

What I have does not even compare to the harrowing struggles I have heard.

I know what I have is linked to my pregnancy. I know my body is undergoing all kinds of chemical and hormonal changes and imbalances.

I know I definitely do not experience the full impact of the hormonal illness.

Whatever it is, I have tasted the reality of it, and I am both shocked and shaken.

It’s like I have something evil inside of me. An evil version of me. It knows everything about me. It knows which buttons to push. It knows exactly what to say to make me cry. It brings everything that is good inside me, down.

Some days I am so down, that I am literally paralysed. Paralysed with an overwhelming cocktail of sadness, self-loathing, confusion, uncertainty, insecurity. It’s suffocating and relentless.

At first, I thought I could over come it with positive thinking. Rational thought. Being optimistic. Using the power of the mind. Or simply distracting my mind with something else.

Then I thought, all I had to do was surround myself with happiness. Arrange time with my family. My friends. My favourite places. My favourite music, foods, flowers, chocolates, long strolls at sunset, a manicure, a new dress, some pampering.

That was my surprise: That whatever I did or whatever thought – NOTHING CHANGED IT. NOTHING MADE IT GO AWAY.

Some days, something will trigger it. Someone will say something. Or I will see something.

It might be the tiniest, most insignificant thing – yet it would instantly make me feel unreasonably upset, guilty, sad, or scared.

Someone might mention that my child was a bit small and I would feel guilty that I wasn’t a very good mother. I might see a picture of a gorgeous model and suddenly feel upset that I wasn’t more beautiful. Or I might read the news of a burglary and feel completely terrified that someone was going to break into our house that night.

And these feelings will grow and grow AND GROW until it’s so intense, I’m utterly consumed and I can’t function normally, until I take a bit of CBD for anxiety.

Thankfully, all this comes and goes. I might get it for 3 days, then things will be fine for a week. Then it’ll hit for 4 days, and then settle down again.

I’ve learnt how to ride my own depression, knowing fully that these crazy spells will disappear after my pregnancy. I can see the end. I just keep going, one step at a time.

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Star Wars Fever

Star Wars Fever

This summer, my husband decided to let my sons watch Star Wars.

Deep down, I felt that my little babies were still too young to watch anything but animated cartoon movies – however I could tell my 5.5 year old desperately wanted to know more about Darth Vader, because the other boys talk about Star Wars at school.

So, in the space of two weeks, Callum and Sean have seen all SIX STAR WARS MOVIES. My husband had to sit with them, with the remote control, starting and stopping every 3 minutes to explain each and every thing. It would have drove me crazy, but my husband enjoyed it.

My 5.5 year old was absolutely fascinated by the story of how Anakin Skywalker became Darth Vader, enemy of his own son, Luke. He was drawn to the serious drama of the whole saga of human weakness, loss, betrayal and redemption. And he was very interested in the meaning of the colour of each character’s lightsaber and the powers of the Jedi.

My 3.5 year old, didn’t care about the story at all. He just LOVED that there were robots being cut up with lightsaber, and spaceships crashing into each other. The weird looking aliens were just a bonus!

So now starts the Star Wars obsession…

Every moment of the play, every story they tell, every drawing they draw, every toy they pick up, every character they pretend to be, is centred around Star Wars, Star Wars, STAR WARS!

Perhaps 12 months ago, this craze would have irritated every molecule in my wholesome, well-balanced, politically-correct, attitude towards parenting. I don’t like fighting. I don’t like guns and lightsabers. I don’t like wars.

But. I’m seeing the unexpected benefits to all this… and I like it.

I kid you not, my boys will run off and play by themselves for 2 HOURS at a time! They will sit in the lounge room, building Star Wars ships and re-enacting scenes and characters from the movie.

They will play wonderfully and passionately. They are the best of friends. They will tell stories, laugh, cooperate, use their imagination, solve problems, burst with creativity and originality. Together. No fighting. No screaming. No whinging.

Then when things start to slow down. I’ll throw them outside, where they will play Star Wars adventures for ANOTHER TWO WONDERFUL HOURS!

It’s perfect.

It’s like an instant childhood. Just add Star Wars.

Photo caption: Sean is obviously Darth Vader. I think Callum was trying to be Yoda.

Fashion Find: Hats for Summer

Fashion Find: Hats for Summer

How many times have I been invited to a lunchtime BBQ, and found myself standing in NO SHADE, sweating and roasting in the full sun!?

Not to mention my skin is getting sun burnt, sun spots, aging with wrinkles and increasing my chances of developing a skin cancer.

I need a nice hat! I have a straw hat that I use for gardening, but it’s a utility hat. Plus, it doesn’t go well with a summer dress. So I’ve been desperately looking for a nice hat to wear to social events…

Hats in the top row are from Mimco. Bottom row from Witchery.

Australia Day 2009

Australia Day Fireworks 2009 - Perth

We had a fantastic day today! I do believe it was a fairly “typical Australia Day” for most people.

We woke up late and ate a leisurely breakfast of eggs and baked beans on toast.

We made our way to the city to visit some new markets in the Perth Cultural Centre. We popped into the museum to see dinosaur bones.

We walked over to a food court and ate Asian food for lunch, while watching a Lion Dance, complete with drums and firecrackers.

We came home for nap!

Then we made our way to a friend’s house for a delicious barbecue dinner. We swam in their pool, ate summer fruits, ice cream and lamingtons.

As the sun set, we walked down the road to the river foreshore.

We played football on the grass, we waved flags and glow sticks from our picnic rug.

And we watched the fireworks sky show until dark.

Like I said, fantastic day.

Happy Chinese New Year 2009

Chinese New Year 2009

This year, by wonderful coincidence, Chinese New Year falls on the same day as Australia Day.

Perhaps I hoped for a more creative combination of the two cultures – barbecued roast duck, mushrooms in vegemite sauce, crab and beer soup. But I suppose it’s best not to mess with tradition.

We had huge reunion dinner at my grandmother’s house, with my whole Chinese family! It was so much fun! So nice to see all the little cousins and grandchildren grow up.

Chinese New Year 2009

I found the stash of Chinese New Year cookies. Some hand made by my aunties. It brought back so many memories of being a kid. We used to snack on this stuff for weeks. Until our bellies were full and our cheeks were raw from all the sugar and peanuts.

These days, I don’t give my kids any of these snacks as liberally as my parents did for us. In fact, I don’t eat of lot of this stuff anymore.

But today I couldn’t help it. I opened up each jar, one by one, savouring each one, remembering the weird and wonderful flavours. Remembering my childhood favourites – the love letters!

Chinese New Year 2009

After dinner and dessert, my grandmother, the oldest and most senior in our family, made all the little grandchildren and great-grandchildren line up to receive an ang pow.

When Callum received his, he crept up to me with a very worried look on his face. He whispered, “I don’t mean to be rude, but I think Ah Tai forgot to put money in this ang pow! Should I tell her before everyone finds out?”

I had to laugh. “Dude. She’s giving you PAPER MONEY OK?”

Ah, it was a great evening.