For my birthday, my husband and I planned to go out for a fancy, romantic, degustation dinner. In fact, I was so organised that I booked the restaurant about 6 weeks earlier. It was at a restaurant that I have been dying to visit… and finally I had an excuse to spend hundreds of dollars on a meal there!
So on the day of my birthday, my family made me breakfast: Bacon, eggs, mushrooms and spinach.
It was just how I liked it. So much love right there.
In the afternoon, I went out to lunch with my parents.
We shared a huge bowl of delicious nachos. I had my usual soy flat white.
After lunch, we chatted and did a bit of shopping. Then I went to pick up my kids from school, brought them home and fed them a snack.
Since my husband and I were going out for dinner that evening, all 3 of my kids were going to have a sleep-over at my parent’s house. Yay! Like I said, I was super organised.
I grabbed their ready-packed clothes and drove over to my parents house. I dropped them off and zoomed home by 4:30pm… giving myself HEAPS of time to have a shower, wash my hair, put on my makeup, style my hair, and put together an evening outfit for a hot Friday night date with my husband.
But on the way home…I started to feel…unsettled. And the feeling grew. A sense of anxiety came over me.
By the time I reached my house, I realised I was feeling sick, and the feeling was growing fast.
There was a sudden pain in my stomach. I felt swollen with sickness. I wanted to throw up. My head was spinning. I felt so freaking bad that I had to lie down on my bed.
I curled up into a fetal position, squeezed my eyes shut and my head spun into a pit of swirling darkness.
I laid there, fully dressed and still wearing my makeup and shoes… and I blacked out.
At 5:30pm, I opened one eye.
OMG I was still in agony. I looked down at my stomach and I couldn’t believe it. It was huge, swollen and round and I looked like I was 6 months pregnant!!! WHAT THE HELL DID I EAT???
I reached behind me, my hands clumsily slapping the bed sheets, looking for my handbag. I found my phone and I called my husband.
The conversation went something like: URNGH. I’m sick. I ate something bad. I feel like shit. Not going out tonight. Cancel the restaurant booking. I’m staying bed.
I passed out again.
My husband came home, checked that I was still breathing, put a bucket next to my bedside table and left me sleeping.
At 9:30pm, I opened one eye again.
My necklaces were tangled in my hair. One earring was wedged into my ear. I smudged makeup and lipstick all over my pillow and sheets. I had one shoe off and one shoe on. My body was aching. My head was still dizzy. My stomach was still swollen, and I was still in pain.
Yeah, Happy Birthday Karen.
I got out of bed, took off all my jewellery, changed into my pajamas, washed my face… and tenderly staggered out into the lounge room where my husband was watching TV and enjoying his lonely Friday night “man” dinner – toast.
I plopped down next to him on the couch.
And then it happened.
I let out the BIGGEST FART of my life.
It started out resembling a big brass tuba blasting through the cushions of the couch. There was such a change in air pressure I think my ear drums popped. Then it became like a bagpipe belting out morse code. DOT DOT DAAAASH. It wouldn’t stop. Oh my god, I had to leave the room to try and save the last shreds of my dignity. My husband laughed as I fled, jet propelled.
(Mercifully, the pain in my stomach slowly subsided throughout the rest of the night. The “flatulence” did not. And every few minutes, I had a little wind instrument explosions from down below.)
I rang my mum to see if she was feeling ok (we both ate the bowl of nachos) and she was just fine, so it was not something that I ate. And then it hit me… my soy flat white tasted a bit different than usual. Damn it… they probably put REAL milk in my coffee! Grr.
My husband was very supportive. After his initial laughter, he didn’t mention my musical bottom at all. Bless him.
When we finally went to bed, he bravely spooned me and gave me a birthday cuddle in bed, being careful not to squeeze me too tight.
He said: “You know, Honey, even after all these years together, you are still full of surprises.”
And that is how we keep the romance alive! :P