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My Two Anti-Climatic Medical Stories

31 March 2008

1.

In 2000, I was leaving work, walking quite fast towards the office exit, saying goodbye to my colleagues. Suddenly I walked into the very clean glass door.

I blooded my nose and smashed my teeth. One quarter of one front tooth had broken off. That’s right. I didn’t just chip it, I BROKE it. All the money my parents spent on my teeth had gone to waste!

I stood in the bathroom washing the blood off my face. I looked into the mirror, examining the damage. It was just one tooth. It could have been worse.

But it looked like my face was in a magazine, and someone had coloured in one tooth with a black marker. I looked ridiculous! Completely and utterly ridiculous! I was so embarrassed! I BROKE MY TOOTH!

My colleagues stuffed me into a car and rushed me to emergency dental surgery. I kept my head bent low, my hands cupped over my mouth, speaking only with muffled Mmmmm-mmmm-mmm’s.

Everyone must’ve thought that I was in so much pain. But really, it was my pride that was hurting.

2.

Several years ago, I noticed a small lump on my nose. I thought it was cancer. I completely freaked out and quickly went to get it checked out.

My doctor sent me to a skin specialist, who said it was a common skin virus – otherwise known as a WART. OMG I HAVE A WART ON MY NOSE! A WART! ON MY NOSE! LIKE THE FINAL STROKE ON THE EPITOME OF UGLINESS, I’M A WALKING CLICHÉ!

My doctor said she could burn it off. But it might grow back. There might be scarring. The scars might never fade. The burning might irritate it and it might grow back even bigger! OMG I HAVE A WART ON MY NOSE!

Then my doctor suggested I see a plastic surgeon.

Seriously? What will a plastic surgeon do? Isn’t that a bit drastic? I have to see a plastic surgeon to fix my nose? That’s the solution for ugliness? Can this situation get anymore clichéd?

While I was umming and ahhing about seeing a plastic surgeon, the lump disappeared by itself. THANK GOODNESS!